Why everyone should visit HDB Sims Drive Branch Office

(This means that even if you leave in another district, you absolutely must have all your transactions moved to Sims Drive. )

1.)They keep their appointments. Never have they been late for any appointments. Being 45 minutes late is never in their vocabulary. Everyone there thrives on being perfectly punctual.

2.)Unkempt appearances are big no-nos there. You’ll be delighted as you’re greeted by an HDB officer dressed as if ready to serve. His hair will never be disheveled and he most definitely won’t smell.

Well, one must not simply note one’s opponent’s appearances for we will be accused of Ad Hominem - a tactic most used by the lovely people who keep our cog and gears turning like the well-oiled machines we are.

3.)The HDB officers there are so kind, friendly and courteous that the proverbial and ubiquitous Singa Courtesy Lion will have to return to his den in the warehouse and make way for an air-filled balding old man with pants to short for his spindly legs (one must make clear one is neither ageist nor sexist nor racist nor classist). Please, I stress, please, you must bring all financial worries to them for they will allay every nagging fear. They will slit their throats before telling you that you are not eligible for ANYTHING. Please, don’t even worry about showing them any documents - court orders or letters from MPs. Don’t bother bringing anything for they’ll save you much time by providing you a resounding “Erm, no ah cannot.”

4.)Sims Drive Branch Office is also a great place to go if you are applying for the third HDB Loan. For those less initiated, you must note that Singaporeans are only eligible for 2 HDB Loans. Anything more one would have to visit an MP to retrieve a heartfelt letter of appeal. One would then present this letter to the HDB officer and a third HDB loan would then be processed.

If you have unfortunately utilised the life-saving second HDB Loan, you must not sign the application form and especially not the declaration at the end that states that you have NEVER applied for TWO HDB Loans.

See, the HDB officers at Sims Drive know this as they know their lunch hour. Pigs will be pork before you hear an officer in Sims Drive tell you, “Never mind one. Can just sign. It’s okay. Just say you only take one [loan] before.”

5.)The hard-working officers will never think of keeping you waiting 5 months for “legal advice” as they’ll be aware that one can obtain information online. Besides, they will already know that the court order states such and the lawyer has explained such. They’ll move to have your documents processed with the utmost speed and never, never, never say that they’ll have to check the clause in an Interim Judgment that has already been made FINAL.

6.)Of course, since they will never think of keeping you waiting for 5 long, scary months, they will also never get a statement wrong. Obviously, clear as a day for a fool to see, “reimburse CPF paid out” will never, never, never read as “give your abusive father and husband 50% of the market value of your house”.


What more do you need? CPF? A home? GST credits? Rebates? Hurry now and move all transactions to HDB Sims Drive Branch Office! They’re so great HDB never has to fear competition – oh wait, talk about monopoly.




Purged. But just because I’m joking in no way means that I’m okay. I am not okay. I am tired, lost, angry, and viscerally disgusted. Three years is too long a time to be fighting with weapons I know not how to use. And 10 years too long a time to live in chains.

And I’m upset I can’t go out on Monday for tea, book shopping and play. What a great, huge, terribly tragedy. Oh, the Faustian frivolity that kills all activism.

FUCK.